I wrote the other day about my struggle in figuring out how to fit in a quiet time in my new life as a mommy. There was a time that I thought that I would never marry or have children, so my cutie-pie husband and beautiful baby boy are definitely an answer to much prayer. Now that I have the family that I’ve dreamed of, I’m learning that everything has to change. The way I spend my time, my priorities, my activities…everything.
I welcome the changes in both my inner life and daily life. I also expect changes in the way I serve Him. As a single woman, I had the privilege to teach a single adult Sunday School class, and I absolutely loved it. At least most of it. The administrative aspects got to me sometimes and would have been better left to someone else, but I loved studying for lessons and jumping into discussions with my class as I shared what I’d learned. It was fun and energizing and just a great opportunity.
It was important for Garrett and I to meet other couples, so I stopped teaching as we prepared for our wedding so that we could start looking for a couples class. And I just didn’t know what to do with myself. Confession: when it comes to service, teaching was the only thing that brought about any fruit. I tried singing in the choir, handing out announcement sheets, keeping the class roll, and lots of other behind-the-scenes stuff. I wasn’t good at much of it. Seriously, I couldn’t even serve meals without cutting myself and causing a fuss. How pathetic is that? It got to the point that I knew that I would be the most help by just STAYING OUT OF THE WAY.
I don’t know that I’ll ever have the opportunity to teach another class, so I’ve begun to focus on a different teaching method – writing. But when I stop to think about it, it seems that it takes an awful lot of conceit to think that anyone would want to read anything that I present to them. Why should anyone take time from their own lives, from their own babies and diapers, to read something written by a stranger? Why should they choose to read my blog during precious free time that they could spend on watching HGTV or flipping through Southern Living magazine?
As a matter of fact, sweet reader, why are you on this here blog? Nothing left on the DVR to watch?
It seems narcissistic to expect people to pop over to lesliemaddox.com for anything. But I don’t think that I live my daily life that way. As a matter of fact, I’d say that I struggle with more than my fair share of low self-esteem. Insecurities galore. So how could a woman with such low self-esteem display such narcissistic tendencies? How can a woman that feels like she’s barely getting by in every area of live have an inner world of such incredible conceit?
Anne Lamott describes herself as writing “with hideous conceit and low self-esteem in equal measure”. I’m not even in the same galaxy as Ms. Lamott when it comes to writing ability, but I can certainly relate to that statement. So I’ve come to a conclusion: the enemy will stop at nothing to silence a believer in Christ. He’ll use narcissism and low self-esteem and even a combination of the two. His goal is to silence redemption stories, testimonies of the activity of the Holy Spirit in a life, and edification of other believers. The means of silence mean nothing to him, only that darkness edges out light.
So I’ll continue to write, battling narcissistic attitudes and self-esteem issues with a focus on making much of Jesus. The changes in my inner and daily lives will be fodder for this blog and any other writing endeavor because the Holy Spirit is working out the changes in and around me. I’m just grateful to have the opportunity to share how good He has been to me. He’s worth writing about.
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