Everybody knows that you’re not really pregnant until you’ve got a picture of the baby bump.
- Swollen feet should be hidden at all times. Nobody wants to see that. Even though they haven’t looked this good in a long time, thanks to my sister and a trip to the spa.
- The hemline on this NON-MATERNITY dress is almost even, which means that my butt has grown at the same rate as my belly.
- I honestly didn’t know my belly was this big until I saw this picture. Ignorance is bliss. What would I look like if not for all the vomiting? Like I did soon after this picture was taken? (You had to know that I couldn’t let a week go by without a vomit reference.)
- I have more hair than ever and clearly don’t know what to do with it.
- At the time my bridal pic was taken, I felt fat. Now I would give just about anything to look like that again.
The good news is that my obstetrician informed me at my 24-week appointment that my belly measures perfectly for how far along I am. Shocking, I know. The bad news is that I have 16 weeks of growth to go.
Giving me time to adopt the motto, “Go big or go home.”
Garrett got in the game and poofed out a sympathy belly. How do men do this with their bodies? My belly, on the other hand, is all me, all the time.
In other baby-related news, my hard-working husband cleaned out the garage last week to make room for storing some of the furniture that’s in the baby’s room right now. I wish I’d taken a “before” picture so that you could fully understand what a major undertaking this was. Now we sometimes walk into the garage just to look at it. We’re so proud that we may host tours highlighting the “Wall of Yard Tools” and “Tank That Used to Hold Our Dearly Departed Lizards.” Lizards never had it so good, dead or alive.
While Garrett was slaving away in the garage, I busied myself with chatting on the phone and reading a forgotten book. Until I felt guilty and made him a nice dinner that did not involve microwave steamer bags or take-out menus. It did involve the oven and many, many dirty dishes.
By the time the day was over, Garrett could barely move from all the lifting and nailing, and I could barely move from all the standing while cooking. It was debatable whether or not we’d have enough energy to climb the stairs to the TV room just to throw ourselves on the couches for some mindless channel-surfing.
So we attempted to check ourselves into a retirement community, but were turned away for acting too old.
Because everybody knows that you’re not really retirement-ready until you can at least have as much fun as some dead lizards.